BWM Breathing While Male--He's Guilty!

I’ve served as the prosecuting attorney, judge and jury in the case against TLH (The Loving Husband). I’ve already convicted him of BWM (Breathing While Male), which might be known in some locations as BUIT (Breathing Under the Influence of Testosterone).



Now, I love this tall, skinny husband dearly and wouldn’t trade him for anything. He buys me jewelry, writes romantic verses for me and cares when I feel sad. However, the man is guilty, guilty, guilty of BWM (Breathing While Male).


What did he do? Well, in the big scheme of things his actions are not galaxy-sized transgressions. He hasn’t gone off for a pack of cigarettes and disappeared, or gambled away our nest egg, or done more than look lustily at the beauties of South America on our travels. I’ve clearly warned him it’s a look but don’t touch policy!


But he acts just like a male. For example, I was in the midst of sorting tubsful of laundry into piles organized by color, fabric type and level of dirt. There were piles of towels to the left, underwear to the right, and dark colors in the middle. Even as I was stooping, reaching, and placing clothing, he walked on the laundry!

Now, this man is no slouch in the intelligence arena. He has a PhD in molecular biology, plays classical guitar and works in biotech. Yet, when I screeched “HUSBAND” at him and inquired why he walked on the clothes I was sorting, his best reply was a double-shoulder shrug accompanied by “huh?” After a few moments, he added, “well, you’re going to wash them aren’t you?”


Shortly thereafter, I discovered that for the hundredth time he had used a measuring spoon to pour coffee into his special coffee maker (Yes, we have separate coffee makers—another tale!) and then returned it to the drawer with clean utensils, spilling coffee grounds in the drawer. Overcome by exasperation and a total inability to understand why someone would do this, I foolishly asked him “why?” From the man who can spend an hour explaining to me the structure of crystals when I just asked him to pass the salt, once again came the “huh?” This time, it was followed by “well, I won’t do it again.” Do you think he caught on that I didn’t like coffee grounds on every spoon, measuring cup and spatula in the drawer? The “why” mystery remains.

Evidence of yet another BWM transgression is apparent on his side of the closet. I try to avert my head, but he recently asked me for help in packing for a business trip. (He cleverly gained my labor by praising my ability to pack things with layers of plastic so the clothes don’t wrinkle.) I started selecting shirts and pants from the shelves and noticed they were hung crookedly, stained, stinky or, in general, not suitable for wear. As prosecuting attorney for this charge, I asked “why can’t you put dirty clothes in the laundry or take them to the dry cleaners instead of just putting them back in the closet?” Again, “huh” was the reply.


So, I ask you, isn’t he clearly guilty of Breathing While Male? I’ve sentenced him to life—in marriage with me. Of course, if you were to hear his summation, he might tell you I’m guilty of BWF (Breathing While Female) and list among my transgressions putting underwear in the dirty basket after one use, singing off-key, and having an inordinate desire for purses, jewelry and handbags.