Answering "How Are You?" in Southern

Something a bookstore owner in Roanoke, Virginia, asked me a couple of years ago has been rattling around in my brain. "Why is it," she asked, "that when I (who grew up in another state and recently moved to the Valley of Virginia), "ask people how are they, they don't respond by asking me how I am?"

That was a new question to me and I couldn't help but think that I, who grew up in the heart of the Shenandoah Valley, in Rockbridge County, Virginia, have always had a bit of reluctance to respond to that question and to ask it back to the questioner. Why is that?

Having pondered that question, I have a few guesses. My thoughts may be based on snippets of information jumbled together in a stew of opinion, but I'll share them anyway. Perhaps a reader who is experienced in linguistics and history can tell me if I'm even close to the factual evidence. Of course, my friendly bookstore owner who didn't grow up in the Shenandoah Valley may be overgeneralizing. 

My theories on why we "mountain people" aren't comfortable with the typical "HowAreYOU?" accompanied by "FineHowAreYOU" line of questioning are: 1) We consider it a personal intrusive question. 2) We don't want to reveal personal detail, and a "fine" response would be an untruth, and we are not comfortable with untruths. 3) We don't want to get involved with strangers on personal issues. 4) We want to be polite and respectful. 5) We want to keep a distance from strangers.

When I think back on the core values of my mountain, Scot-Irish, Presbyterian childhood, I view: privacy, honesty, tending-to-your-own business, being respectful, being polite and having manners, and being suspicious of outsiders. Now, I'm not saying these are all admirable traits; I'm just saying, these are core values I inferred from those around me.

The call-and-response "HowAreYou" ritual brings these values into collision. First, we are a bit shocked that someone who is not family or a close neighbor asks an intrusive question because the questioner is being nosy and crossing an invisible border. Then, we remember our manners and want to polite but we don't want to answer that the mortgage is past due, we just lost our job, the kids were arrested for drugs and we don't know where the next meal is coming from. (Ok, I'm exaggerating a bit.) So the manners kick in, and we fake a smile and reply "fine." Honesty versus manners. Keep your distance from others.

However, we don't want to be intrusive into the questioner's life, so we don't follow up with the "and how are you?" easily. We don't want to put that stranger into the same uncomfortable position we were in. 

I’ve just returned to live in the Shenandoah Valley, this time at the top of the Valley in Winchester, Virginia. For over 30 years I lived in Indiana, where Hoosiers have mid-Western politeness. I’ve visited 48 of the 50 states, Canada, Europe, the Caribbean, and South America. It’s easy for me to ask and answer in Spanish “Como estas?” “Estoy bien, y tu?” because it’s what I’ve learned from phrase books. Yes, I can go through the “HowAreYOU?” ritual with only minimal distress now. If the situation demands it, I even ask “and how are you?”

But I know this is different than when an old-timer from “back home” asks “how are mama and them?”